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How Well Do You Know Your Child?

LIVING with a child every day from the time that he is a baby until he becomes a teen-ager usually makes a parent feel that he knows him. But, as many parents have discovered, just living with the child does not mean that a parent knows how he thinks.

Some parents have been so wrapped up in personal interests that their child, as far as his thinking is concerned, is a stranger to them. They are shocked if he gets into trouble or runs off to live as a hippie. They cannot see where they have failed him.

Do you know what your child is thinking? Are you ever alone with him so that he can feel free to unburden himself? Do you take walks together, just the two of you, through a city park, along a beach or out in the country? Do you work at things together around the house? These are opportunities to draw him out and learn how he is thinking. But you need to do more than just listen to him.

Communication must be two-way, with a parent listening to what is on a child’s mind and also giving the child information that will help to shape his thinking in the way that is best for him. For example, he needs a realistic moral code that he call rely on as a dependable guide. Without it he may become like a boat that is cut adrift and swept onto the rocks. A great many young people have wrecked their lives and saddened their parents by trying to live without moral standards.

By helping your child learn to respect the high moral standards of the Bible you give him a realistic moral code. As the two of you communicate he benefits from your maturity and experience. This is what God counseled Israelite fathers to do with their sons back in the days of Moses. He said: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you . . . lie down and when you get up.” (Deut. 6:6, 7) In this arrangement, a parent spends time with his child, carrying on an upbuilding two-way conversation with him, He inculcates in the child the wisdom and fine moral standards of God’s Word.

As you do things together you can learn much by asking questions of your child. If, for example, you are a dedicated Christian, you can, by asking questions, learn if your child really believes we are living in the “last days” of this present system of things, as is indicated by Bible prophecy. (Matt. 24:3-14; 2 Tim. 3:1-5) You can learn if he believes that God’s kingdom is real. You can find out if he understands the ransom sacrifice of Jesus Christ and why it is necessary to preach the good news of God’s kingdom. You can learn how much he actually understands God’s Word of truth.

If you are a dedicated Christian, very likely you take your child regularly to congregation meetings, but does he understand why attendance at them is so necessary? Are you sure that he appreciates them sufficiently so that he will continue to attend when he gets older? If he engages in telling others about the good news of the Kingdom, does he really appreciate why he should do so? Does he do it out of love for God and out of a desire to help others learn about the Kingdom?

By establishing two-way communication with your child you can learn what he thinks about things that are important to you and that ought to be important to him. You can give him loving encouragement and counsel. He, in turn, will feel free to approach you with his personal problems because he knows you will listen.

The time to begin establishing good communications is when the child is young. Then when he is older it will be more natural for him to express his feelings and thoughts to you. But if a communications barrier has become established, it is difficult to break it down. The child is likely to feel that there is an unbridgeable gulf between himself and his parents.

When children become teen-agers there are pronounced changes that begin to take place in their bodies as they begin to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. These changes affect their thinking and their emotions. It is a time when they need mature and balanced counsel from their parents. It is a time when they need a solid code of morals to enable them to steer a straight course.

If the groundwork laid by the parents in training a child has been good, he will be able to avoid moral shipwreck. It is, therefore, with good reason that the Bible says: “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”—Prov. 22:6.

When talking with a child, probably little will be accomplished if the father sits down and says: “Now, son, I want to have a talk with you. I want to know what you are thinking.” It would be more effective for the two of them to converse when they are doing something that is pleasant, such as taking a walk together in the country or working on a hobby. By an occasional question the father can gradually get the boy to express himself. Under these relaxed and friendly conditions he is more likely to reveal his pattern of thinking than if he were sternly cross-examined with distressing persistency. A mother can do the same with a daughter while both are doing something together, such as making a dress or cooking. An occasional leading question can shift the conversation so that the daughter will reveal her way of thinking.

Even though children grow up with their parents, they have minds of their own. They are individuals with free will. Their parents cannot control them like puppets, but they can help to shape the thinking of the children so that it follows a good pattern. This requires not only early training but also free and open two-way conversations. How else can parents really get to know their children?