Refine Search

Young People Ask . . .

Is Dating Harmless Fun?

“THE date starts as an invitation from a young man to a girl for an evening’s public entertainment, typically at his expense,” penned American author Geoffrey Goren. “‘Showing the girl a good time’ is the essential background for a date, but it is not its object, as far as the man is concerned; its object is to get the girl to prove that he is worthy of love, and therefore a success.”

With some humor this writer describes a common custom in many countries. However, a couple may “date” by spending time enjoying some social activity at either’s home, or going out together in a group and thereafter pairing off. “Dating is often the subject of conversation among friends and is a pleasurable part of growing up,” according to writer Jane Burgess-Kohn. “It is full of freedom because it is done just for fun.”a Perhaps this is how you feel. However, some young persons have another story to tell.

Harmless Fun?

“From my early teens, I frequently dated. I felt that it was important to talk to and be close with young men. Now I know that can be dangerous,” declared 20-year-old Loretta. “The more we saw each other, the more involved we became. Kissing soon grew stale and we began touching intimate body parts. I became a nervous wreck because I felt so dirty. My date also in time expected me to ‘go all the way’ and commit fornication, although this was totally against what I wanted. I was confused and bewildered. But all I could think of was, ‘I don’t want to lose him.’ I was miserable!” Yet Loretta’s experience is not unusual. Several hundred teenagers were asked whether there had been times on a date when they had had sexual contact even though they did not feel like it. Sixty-five percent of the girls (ages 15 to 16) and 43 percent of the boys said Yes!

“When we started dating, everything was strictly honorable. We didn’t even hold hands or kiss. I just wanted to enjoy the pleasure of her company and talk,” said one young man. “However, she was very affectionate and would sit very close to me. In time we did hold hands and kiss. This created within me an even stronger sex drive. It affected my thinking to the point that I wanted to be with her, not just to talk, but to hold her, touch her and kiss. I couldn’t get enough! I was literally going crazy with passion. At times I would feel cheap and ashamed. However, to my surprise, she said that she was tired of me and broke off the relationship. I was crushed.”

These and countless other young persons have found that ‘dating for fun’ brought emotional heartache. This is quite a contrast to what the Bible says a young person should find in life. At Ecclesiastes 11:9 it reads: “Rejoice, young man [or, woman], in your youth.” However, to achieve this ‘rejoicing’ the Bible urges in the following verse: “Remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh; for youth and the prime of life are vanity.”​—Ecclesiastes 11:10.

“Vexation” means to be deeply troubled or sorely distressed. “Calamity” denotes a personal disaster. Both can make life unbearable. Just imagine how those two young persons quoted before must have felt. Have you ever been so troubled about a date that you could not sleep? The Bible shows that a young person’s life can be filled with either ‘rejoicing’ or ‘vexation and calamity.’ It is up to you.

“But no one would deliberately choose ‘vexation and calamity,’” you may be thinking. “Why is it that dating can bring such problems?”

Heavy Emotional Decisions

In many countries where dating is popular, it is not unusual to see 11- and 12-year-olds dating regularly​—some even engaging in kissing and petting. Those who taste of such intimacies at a tender age soon are faced with some emotionally heavy situations.

For instance, one young man said of his dilemma: ‘I liked Kathy a lot at first. Well, I admit I talked her into doing some things she didn’t think were right. Now I feel dirty because I’ve lost interest. How can I ditch Kathy without hurting her feelings?’ What a perplexing situation he must face! How would you feel if you were Kathy?

“I began going with boys early in my teens and gradually holding hands and kissing led to sexual immorality,” confessed Ann. “I became pregnant at 15.” Suddenly, she was faced with some awesome decisions. Should she have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption? Should she try to care for the child herself without a husband to help? How would she manage? “When I gave birth I realized what a few moments of romance can lead to. I was sick with an infection for the whole nine months and finally spent 14 agonizing hours in labor pains!” said Ann.

The Bible frankly recognizes that young people will “walk in the ways of [their] heart.” Yet so often those “ways,” which seem to be such fun and are appealing to the heart, end up bringing ‘vexation to the heart’ and “calamity.” Of course, not all dating leads to an illegitimate pregnancy, but regular association with someone of the opposite sex, such as a “steady” boyfriend or girl friend, stirs into operation feelings that can lead to sexual relations. This is the way we are made. Real pain of heart and vexation can result from dealing with these urges that, once aroused, are among the strongest in our body.​—Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10.

There are some persons, however, who are in a position to marry and thereby honorably satisfy sexual desires. They may wish to become better acquainted by dating. By being careful about their circumstances and expressions of endearment, they may find dating to be a positive experience. But dating for ‘fun’ can​—and often does—​lead to sexual intimacies. A survey of several hundred teenagers found that 87 percent of the girls and 95 percent of the boys said that sex was either “moderately important or very important” in their dating.

When such intimacies become commonplace at a youthful age, the couple often enters into an early marriage. Yet the United States Bureau of Vital Statistics reports that the divorce rate for teenage wives is four times greater than it is for women who marry later. The divorce rate for teenage husbands is three times higher than that for the general population. Though many of these youthful marriages do hold together, often the adjustment is extremely painful. One 18-year-old bride admitted: “I’m changing diapers, cleaning, cooking and ironing because I started going steady when I was 16 years old. I am not proud of this. I was one of the thousands who thought it couldn’t happen to me.”

Youth is a time for gaining knowledge, experience and strength to take on later the heavy emotional and physical challenges of adulthood. If these heavy burdens, especially the emotional ones, come during youth, the effect can be devastating.

Several research studies have even linked “a fight with a girl friend” or “disappointment in love” as among the situations responsible for many youthful suicides. The fact that in some countries suicide is the second highest cause of death among young people, and that an estimated 50 to 75 percent of psychiatric hospital beds are filled by young persons with emotional problems, indicates that youthful minds and hearts are fragile. Most persons would agree with the sentiments of the Bible patriarch Jacob, some of whose offspring were no doubt teenagers at the time. He said: “The children are delicate.” This is true not only physically but also emotionally.​—Genesis 33:13.

So dating certainly is not harmless fun. It can bring vexation into a young person’s life. What can help you to decide if you should date or not? The next issue of Awake! will provide some answers to this question.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 18]

A youth can find either ‘rejoicing’ or “vexation” in life, according to the Bible. Can dating ‘for fun’ lead to “vexation”?