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“You Never Stop Being a Parent”

AUTHOR John Updike once wrote: “Though the child be a sleek senator of seventy, and the parent a twisted hulk in a wheelchair, the wreck must still grapple with the ponderous sceptre of parenthood.” A father of three concurred: “You never stop being a parent. We still fuss and worry over the kids.”

Parents should not be cast aside just because the children are grown up. “Listen to your father who caused your birth,” says the Bible, “and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” (Proverbs 23:22) This counsel is not directed only to children because a person whose mother has “grown old” is likely an adult. So parents have years of experience and wisdom and thus have much to offer their grown children by way of advice and counsel.​—Proverbs 16:31.

‘But how do you “parent” an adult?’ you ask. ‘Very carefully,’ answer many parents. You see, your child’s adulthood may be shaky at first. While enjoying independence, your child may still want some nurturing and support. Such ambivalence can make him extremely sensitive to any advice. As one mother explains, this can put you on the horns of a dilemma: “I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too.”

Where do you draw the line between concern and meddling? And by what emotional sleight of hand can you trade the natural desire to nurture for subdued, controlled concern?

First, accept your changed role. You abandon your job as nursemaid when baby turns into toddler. Similarly, you must now trade the cherished role of caretaker for the role of adviser. Making decisions for your child at this stage of life would be as inappropriate as burping or breast-feeding him.

As adviser, you have definite limitations. No longer can you effectively appeal to your authority as parent. (‘Do it because I say so.’) There must be respect for your child’s adult status. This is not easy, though. Said one parent: “I have to be so careful what I say to my children. I have to walk on eggs to be sure I’m not hurting their feelings or interfering in their lives.” But must you watch your grown children plunge headlong into disaster without saying even a word?

One parent states: “On personal matters, I don’t interfere. Even if they’re wasting money, so what? It’s just money. But if one of my children were about to make a spiritual or moral mistake, I would freely give advice because I’m their father.” Is it not the responsibility of all Christians to “readjust” one about to take a “false step”?​—Galatians 6:1.

“I Was Only Trying to Help!”

Some, nonetheless, become meddlers rather than helpers. (1 Timothy 5:13) Because of a labyrinth of emotions​—love, fear, loneliness and legitimate concern—​some employ destructive strategies. For example, financial help may become outright bribery or a ploy to control. (‘Why should you move across town? We can lend you enough money to get a nice apartment right near us.’) There may be subtle sabotage. (‘Oh, please let me cook supper for you two tonight. After all, my son is used to my cooking.’) Or blatant interference. (‘You don’t want children yet? You want your mother and me to die before we see our grandchildren?’)

Beware of such manipulation! The book Getting Along With Your Grown-Up Children observes: “Parents who give money to their young adult and then spell out rigid conditions as to how it should be spent are really, unconsciously, using money as a bargaining agent with which to control the ‘child.’”

Squash the temptation to make endless, unrequested suggestions, which can turn a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law into an enemy. One writer even suggests that you resolve “never to tell your daughter-in-law what your son likes, how to cook his food, how to decorate his house, etc., unless you are clearly and explicitly asked.” Hold your suggestions until your children are a little more settled into marriage and thus less touchy.

“I think a lot of parents do things in reverse,” says Tom, father of two. “When they should have meddled in their lives they didn’t do it, and now that their kids have grown up, they want to meddle.” This raises a new question: How can you prepare your child for his eventual departure?

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“I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too”

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You must trade the role of caretaker for that of adviser

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Avoid being overly critical of your son-in-law or daughter-in-law