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Young People Ask . . .

What Can I Do When My Parents Yell at Me?

“WHY can’t my parents talk to me without yelling?” asks Keith. Martha similarly laments: “No matter what we’re talking about, we end up screaming at each other.” Do Keith’s and Martha’s words sound familiar to you? If so, you probably wonder—

Why the Yelling?

Let’s be realistic. There are occasions when a louder-than-usual voice is required. Perhaps you need to be wakened for school or called for a meal. You don’t expect to be whispered to, do you? And at times parents may legitimately be upset.

For instance, the Bible records that when Jesus was 12 years old, he was taken by his parents, Joseph and Mary, to worship at Jerusalem. When the family left to return home, it took them a whole day to realize that Jesus wasn’t with them. But after a three-day search, Jesus was found in Jerusalem listening to and questioning the teachers at the temple. Imagine the concern in Mary’s voice as she speaks: “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been terribly worried trying to find you.”​—Luke 2:48, Today’s English Version.

As in Jesus’ case, misunderstandings do occur. The problem comes, though, when you expect a normal answer and instead receive a yell. However, by stopping and reflecting, you may be able to realize why this at times happens. For instance, note what some young people say:

Michelle: “My mom is very impatient and at times not very understanding, and I tend to overlook the fact that she has a job and children to care for.”

Harry: “It bothers me when my mother takes out her aggressions on me. It happens when she comes home from work all upset after a hard day. I wish she didn’t have to work.”

Denise: “My largest problem is at home with my daddy. I understand he has many responsibilities and worries, but he always takes them out on the rest of the family.”

Notice the problems revealed. Daily, one or both of your parents may face a demanding boss or co-workers difficult to get along with. Financial problems, illness, or even your parents’ own insecurities may affect the way they speak to you. These problems do not excuse their shouting, but they do help you understand why yelling sometimes occurs.​—Compare Ephesians 4:31, 32.

Isn’t it also true that you, too, may have been guilty of raising your voice, perhaps even to your friends? “For we all stumble many times,” states the Bible. (James 3:2) Consider Paul, Barnabas, and Mark, men mentioned prominently in the Bible. When Barnabas wanted to take Mark along on Paul’s second missionary journey and Paul did not, “there occurred a sharp burst of anger.” (Acts 15:39) So, at times, upset parents may likewise raise their voices. If this happens, here are some suggestions:

Try Not to

. . . YELL BACK! Perhaps the most common trap to fall into is a screaming match. “I start screaming back at her,” states Marion about her mother. Is this wise? “Getting angry and explosive creates an absolutely no-win situation,” says Bill Nolan, a social worker in Salem, Massachusetts. How much better it is to follow the counsel of Proverbs 15:1: “An answer, when mild, turns away rage, but a word causing pain makes anger to come up.”

. . . MOCK! Are you tempted to berate your parents? Would this be wise? “Honor your father and your mother,” commands Ephesians 6:2. Mocking your parents, or making fun of them, certainly would not be bestowing honor. The Bible warns: “Anyone who makes fun of his father or despises his mother in her old age ought to be eaten by vultures or have his eyes picked out by wild ravens.” (Proverbs 30:17, TEV) Would you like your parents to make fun of you? Certainly not! So why do it to your parents?

. . . MAKE A SCENE OR POUT! Pouting, sulking, or crying only dramatizes your own immaturity. Such actions will not help your parents understand your position and can produce dire results. King Ahab of ancient Israel once wanted a vineyard adjacent to his palace. But when he could not buy the vineyard, 1 Kings 21:4 says: “Consequently Ahab came into his house, sullen and dejected . . . Then he lay down upon his couch and kept his face turned, and he did not eat bread.” Ahab’s display of self-pity had tragic consequences. Thus, Proverbs 18:1 admonishes: “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.”

. . . BE OVERLY SENSITIVE! Stop and think: Just how loud was your parent’s voice? It’s especially easy to feel sensitive to your parent’s reaction when you are presenting a problem or making a request for something you really want. If you find yourself feeling hurt, remember: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression.”​—Proverbs 19:11.

. . . STOP TALKING! If you stop talking, how will you convey your thoughts to your parents? How will they understand what you feel? If you are tempted to do any of the ‘try not to’s,’ recognize that you are only getting back at your parents and are not really coming to grips with the problem. The Bible’s encouragement is, “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.”​—Ecclesiastes 7:9.

Instead, Try to

. . . LISTEN! Even if your parents do yell, “Listen to your father . . . do not despise your mother.” (Proverbs 23:22) This will help you to understand your parents’ feelings and perhaps reveal why they have raised their voice.

. . . OBEY! Whether said softly or said loudly, directions should be followed. By obeying, you show practical wisdom and “the wisdom from above,” since it is “ready to obey.” (James 3:17) By promptly doing the things your parents ask, you can be sure they will be well pleased​—and any yelling will subside.

. . . ADMIT ERROR! Many times the yelling comes from breaking a house rule or not doing a requested task. Are you tempted to excuse yourself? Don’t. Admit the error. Ill feelings are more easily cleared away when error is admitted.

. . . PLAN WHAT TO SAY! Proverbs 15:28 states: “The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer, but the mouth of the wicked ones bubbles forth with bad things.” Consider the how, what, and why of your request or problem. “If it’s something you know will cause friction, first ask yourself what goals you have for passing on the information,” reasons Dr. Selma Miller. No doubt, a little forethought on what you will say may often prevent an outburst of anger. At the same time, it will be good to decide what the really important issues are and present only these.

. . . BE CONVERSANT! Don’t wait until you have a problem to talk to your parents. Talk with them regularly about everyday affairs. Tell them your feelings. Learn, too, about the attitudes, beliefs, and values of your parents. This will build the bond of family love and friendship that will make it easier to discuss more delicate matters calmly.

. . . USE GOOD TIMING! It is essential to present a request or consider a problem with your parents at the appropriate time. King Solomon put it nicely: “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.” (Proverbs 25:11; compare Esther, chapters 4 and 5.) Be observant as to when your parents are most relaxed and easiest to talk with.

. . . BE REALISTIC! “In real life, it’s impossible to live with people we care about and avoid conflict together,” says Jenny Englemann, a psychotherapist. She adds: “One of the true tests of a relationship is that we can face up to conflicts and eventually resolve them.”

Never forget, your parents deeply love you and are intensely interested in doing what is best for you. So try to apply the suggestions above and see if your relations with them do not improve greatly.

[Pictures on page 23]

“Getting angry and explosive creates an absolutely no-win situation”

“An answer, when mild, turns away rage”