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Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Help Grown-Ups Understand Me?

“THE familiar old enemy of so many parents​—the ‘generation gap’—​is not the real barrier between parents and teenagers.” So claim the authors of the book The Private Life of the American Teenager. But if not the “generation gap,” what is the barrier as they see it? “The real problem is one that occurs in every human relationship​—failure to talk, listen, and try to understand another’s point of view.”

This was the problem Inge, a young German girl, and her parents had. “From the very outset, I rejected my parents and built up a barrier between us,” she admits. Today she would proceed differently. “I would try to put myself in their position,” she says, “to find out what they think.” Why this change in attitude? Because Inge now realizes that the best way for young people to help grown-ups understand them is for them to try to understand grown-ups. But you may wonder how this can be done.

Talk!

Communication is the key to understanding because without it you cannot know what others are thinking. What is even more important, you cannot know why they think as they do. But communication is a two-way street. A German magazine article entitled “Sometimes the Only Thing Lacking Is Just a Little Understanding” says that “young people must confide in their parents more.” At the same time, it advises parents “to get to know their children better.”

Confiding in your parents means conveying your thoughts to them in a frank and open way. You should be specific about what you think or feel, without being blunt or tactless. By asking questions, not in a challenging way, but with genuine interest, you will be able to draw them out. Have you ever thought, for example, of asking them​—or other grown-ups—​what they would suggest in helping you to choose worthwhile friends or beneficial goals in life? “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters,” says Proverbs 20:5, “but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” You might be amazed at what you can learn from other people​—yes, even from grown-ups. But first of all, you must talk.

Let Amy’s experience illustrate. She relates: “I’ll never forget when I was around fifteen, I told my mother I didn’t believe in God. That must have hurt her deeply because she’s a very religious person. But instead of condemning me, she asked me why and we talked about it for an hour.” Although still not a Christian, Amy today admits: “Since that time I’ve changed my views slightly, but I really admired her for not getting excited and blowing up. Maybe she knew I’d come around.”

‘Fine,’ you may say, ‘if my parents would show that kind of understanding, there would be no problem.’ Remember, however, that grown-ups have their limitations too. Larry, a concerned father, candidly admitted: “I find it extremely difficult to show my children the love and understanding I know I should, because I never experienced it while I was growing up. I simply don’t know how to go about it.”

So if this should be true in your family, try to make it easier for your parents. Take the initiative. Show love and understanding to them, and in most cases they will sooner or later show more love and understanding to you. This is because love is contagious. The Bible says about God: “We love, because he first loved us.”​—1 John 4:19.

Karen, 17, learned that this is true. She says: “I don’t think most kids give parents a fair break. It’s tough to be a parent and sometimes we have to help.” This means making an effort to communicate, something not always easy to do. “It took patience on my part,” she admits. But for her it paid off; it can for you too.

Listen and Learn!

Talking is important, listening is even more so. The Christian disciple James admonishes each one to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.” (James 1:19) “Hearing,” of course, means more than just hearing words; it means understanding thoughts.

So if you care to share your feelings and opinions with grown-ups, do so, not for the purpose of argumentation but for the purpose of listening and learning. When opinions differ, ask yourself why. ‘Has the person I’m speaking to had experiences I have not? Does he know things I do not? If so, what? Has his environment, education, or background been different from mine? In what respects?’ This may help you to be more receptive to learning from others.

After all, that’s what life should be​—a continual process of learning. It involves constantly adjusting ones views, opinions, and ideas, as well as keeping an open mind. If you are already in your 20’s, you know this to be true, and you will most likely agree that some of your views as a teenager have changed considerably now that you are older. It has been observed that the person who never changes is probably already “dead” and just hasn’t noticed it. So do not “die” before your time.

Improve!

“Become an example,” an older man counseled a young friend almost 2,000 years ago, “in speaking, in conduct, in love, in faith, in chasteness.” This grown-up, the Christian apostle Paul, was interested in Timothy’s welfare. By becoming a fine example and by fleeing “the desires incidental to youth,” Timothy would become a person others could easily understand and accept.​—1 Timothy 4:12; 2 Timothy 2:22.

All of us​—young and old—​can learn from this. If we yearn for acceptance and understanding, we should not demand it on the basis of “you’ll have to take me just as I am.” We should be willing to make positive changes in personality and behavior so that people will want to accept us.

So if there are certain areas in your life that are a constant source of misunderstanding with grown-ups​—your dress or grooming, your choice of friends or recreation—​at least be willing honestly to consider suggestions for change from persons older and more experienced than you. This will help you to “file off the rough edges” and will make out of you a person that grown-ups will find it difficult not to love and admire.

Finding Real Understanding

Be assured that there really are grown-ups who care. Just ask Robert, a young man from the Federal Republic of Germany. In a letter to the Watchtower Society, written while he was still a teenager, he said: “I grew up having difficulties in everything I did. It took forever to finish my homework. I could not concentrate. I had no friends and no confidence in my parents. I was disobedient and disorderly. Once I tried to commit suicide. Then I became acquainted with Jehovah’s Witnesses. What a blessing! I have learned to take an honest look at myself and at others. I have discovered the most beautiful thing there is​—love.”

In your search for love and understanding, you may experience disappointments. But do not give up. Keep at it, and you will find genuine friends, yes, even among grown-ups, particularly within the Christian congregation. You will find them to be like hidden treasures that, although at first unseen, shine all the brighter once they have been uncovered.

And as Robert discovered, learning about Jehovah God and striving to maintain an intimate relationship with him will be to your real advantage. When misunderstood by humans, you will feel free to “throw your burden upon Jehovah” in prayer. He is a friend who always understands. Unlike some people you may know, he will never be too busy to listen to your problems, however trivial they may appear to be. He will never give you only divided attention. He will never interrupt you with a long sermon. Best of all, he will respond. His comforting promise is that “he himself will sustain you.”​—Psalm 55:22.

[Pictures on page 22, 23]

Be willing to talk . . . and quick to listen