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Young People Ask . . .

My Parents Are Separating​—What Should I Do?

“One night my father took the four of us kids out for ice cream. Suddenly his voice became very formal. He said to us: ‘Your mother and I are seeing things differently, so I’m going to move out. I might be back this summer.’ None of us said anything. He must have had his bags packed already, for when he dropped us off at home, he didn’t come in. We got out of the car and stood in the driveway bawling our heads off as my father drove away.”​—Tom.a

TOM’S parents never did get back together. But at the time, Tom had no way of knowing whether they would or not.

Randy’s parents, on the other hand, separated more times than he can remember. “Dad would leave for maybe a month or two at a time,” he recalls. “Then he’d come back, and things would be better for a while. Then, all of a sudden, he would be gone again.”

Divorce has a mournful ring of finality to it. But when your parents have only separated, and you still don’t know whether they will divorce or not, the uncertainty can be deeply troubling. Many parents, like Randy’s, get back together but break up again later. According to the book Divorced Families, an estimated 50 percent of separations end in at least a temporary reconciliation. But as divorce researchers Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee note: “Divorce is often preceded by several separations, each of which may seem decisive but turn out not to be final. These can confuse children and lead them to expect reconciliation.”

The words, ‘I might be back,’ seem so full of promise. But questions hang agonizingly in the air. You wonder: ‘Will my parents end up divorced? How do I cope with the feelings that are tearing me up right now?’

Navigating the Storm

At first, you may find yourself feeling depressed, tired, unable to concentrate, or even explosively angry at times. Or you may just feel numb. All of these are common reactions to an extreme situation​—one that occurs all too frequently these days. Though God’s Word encourages couples to remain together and work out their problems, the world’s attitude toward marriage has deteriorated a great deal. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Today, marriage sometimes has no better than a 50-percent survival rate. As the Bible long ago foretold, our age has seen a drastic drop in the “natural affection” once so common in families.b​—2 Timothy 3:3.

How can you cope? What you are going through can be compared to a storm in your life. Thinking of it that way can help you in two ways. First, no storm lasts forever. The emotional turmoil you feel now will subside in time, as all storms do. And second, you can navigate your way through this storm. You don’t have to ‘go under.’ But just as a ship in a storm must steer clear of the rocks, there are some rocklike dangers that can mean real trouble. Let’s discuss a few.

False Expectations

One such peril would be to set your heart on getting your parents back together. Anne remembers: “After they separated, my parents would still take us out together sometimes. My sister and I would whisper to each other, ‘Let’s run ahead and leave those two together.’ But,” she sighs, “I guess it didn’t work. They never did get back together.”

As Proverbs 13:12 says: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Remember, you cannot control what your parents do. You did not cause their separation, and in all likelihood you cannot step in and patch up their marriage either.​—See also Proverbs 26:17.

The Danger of Hatred

Anger and hatred may be the most lethal “rocks” you will face in this storm. Tom recalls his feelings at age 12: “I started to feel real anger toward my dad. I don’t like to use the word ‘hatred,’ but I had a terrible grudge. I couldn’t see how he could care about us if he left us. And I think I was saying inside that it’s my turn to let him know how I feel.”

Marital separation is rarely a mutual decision; so naturally one parent may seem more blameworthy in your eyes. It may even be that one of your parents violated God’s law about being faithful to the marriage mate. (Hebrews 13:4) But in any case, how do you deal with the parent who seems more at fault? Should you hate that parent or try to avenge the wronged parent?

Remember first that a separation is rarely as simple as one parent being all “bad” and the other being all “good.” Your parents have probably not told you everything about their marriage or its breakup; they may not even understand it themselves. So avoid judging a situation about which you do not have the whole picture. (Proverbs 18:13) Fortunately, God is the Judge of all such matters. He appoints you as neither the judge nor the punisher of your parents. And what a relief that is! Who of us could really handle that kind of responsibility?​—Romans 12:19.

Granted, anger is hard to resist; and it is quite natural for you to feel deeply upset right now. But nursing an angry and vengeful spirit can gradually poison your personality. The Bible says that “a calm heart is the life of the fleshly organism.” Surely, a calm heart is not full of bitterness. No wonder the Bible tells us to “let anger alone and leave rage.” (Proverbs 14:30; Psalm 37:8) Further, the Bible’s command to honor your parents even applies to honoring parents who have let you down.​—Luke 18:20.

So Tom has worked on his anger. He now says: “It’s easy to hold a grudge and think to yourself, ‘He’s the one that did wrong. It is right for me to hate him.’ But I started to ask myself, ‘Is this really right?’ And I saw that, no, it’s not. As a Christian, you can’t hold grudges.”

Of course, when the Bible says to let anger alone, it is not suggesting that you pretend your anger doesn’t exist. If your parents’ actions have hurt you, why not try talking to them about it, respectfully opening their eyes to your point of view?​—See Proverbs 15:22, 23; 16:21.

Caught in the Middle

‘But how do I handle this feeling of being torn between my parents?’ you may ask. This can be an especially tricky “rock” to skirt around. Randy recalls: “The thing I dreaded most about visiting my dad was that my mom would question me intensely after each visit. And she really slanted things against him. I would say, ‘Come on, Mom! Why do you do this? Leave me alone!’ And she would get mad and force me to answer her questions.”

Sometimes parents use their children to carry angry messages from one to the other or even to spy on each other! One woman wanted to find out how much money her estranged husband had. So she and her ten-year-old son jimmied a window at the father’s house, and the boy climbed inside to sneak out his father’s checkbook. “We’ll get him!” the boy said with evident glee.

It is unfair for your parents to try to use you as a tool for revenge. But remember that they are going through tremendous emotional turmoil. So be as patient with them as you can. Talk to them. You may want to say, in essence, ‘Mom and Dad, I love you both. So please don’t use me to hurt each other.’ Not that you should be uncooperative, refusing to carry any communication from one to the other. But if your parents get vindictive and vengeful, it is time to get out from between them.​—Proverbs 26:17.

By the same token, it would be hypocritical to play one parent against the other for your own advantage, saying things like: “I want to go live with Mom. She always lets me do what I want.” After separation, parents may feel very guilty about the stress they have caused their children and cling to them desperately. Youths who are aware of the power they thus hold over their parents may be tempted to use it. But surely you don’t want to be manipulative.

There is more to surviving a storm, though, than just avoiding the rocks. A future article will discuss some positive actions you can take that will help you to cope.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 11]

What you are going through can be compared to a storm in your life. Thinking of it that way can help you to get through it, because no storm lasts forever

[Blurb on page 12]

Anger is hard to resist; and it is quite natural for you to feel deeply upset right now. But nursing an angry and vengeful spirit can gradually poison your personality