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Parenting a Difficult Child

“DID you have a nice day?” Susan asks her son Jimmy when he clambers into the car as she picks him up from school. Frowning, he ignores her. “Oh, you must have had a bad day,” she states sympathetically. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Leave me alone,” he grumbles in reply.

“I’m just worried about you. You seem so unhappy. I want to help.”

“I don’t want your help!” he screams. “Leave me alone! I hate you. I wish I was dead!”

“Jimmy!” Susan gasps, “don’t talk to me like that or​—or I’ll spank you! I was only trying to be nice. I don’t understand what’s the matter with you. Nothing I say or do pleases you.”

Flustered and frazzled from her own day’s work, Susan weaves through traffic wondering how she ever managed to acquire such a child. She feels confused, helpless, and angry, as well as resentful toward her own son, and feelings of guilt hammer at her. Susan dreads taking him home​—her own child. She almost doesn’t want to know what happened today at school. No doubt the teacher would call again. Sometimes Susan just could not cope.

Thus seemingly simple incidents erupt into powerful emotional ordeals fraught with anxiety. Children who are ADD/​ADHD, or are otherwise labeled “difficult,” characteristically react quite vehemently when confronted with problems. They tend quickly to reach an explosive state, leaving parents angry, bewildered, and ultimately spent.

Evaluation and Intervention

Typically, these children are bright, creative, and keenly sensitive. It is important to realize that they are healthy children with extraordinary needs, consequently requiring a special depth of understanding. Following are some principles and ideas that parents of such children have found successful.

First, it is necessary to learn to recognize the situations and the stimuli that upset the child. (Compare Proverbs 20:5.) It is essential for the parent to observe the signals in the child that precede emotional confrontations and to intervene promptly. A key indicator is the facial expression that reflects a rising frustration level and an inability to handle a given situation. Issuing kind verbal reminders that the child needs to control himself or, if necessary, removing him from the situation may help. Time-​outs, for example, are effective, not so much as a form of punishment but as a way to give both the child and the parent a chance to regain calm and then to proceed rationally.

In the illustration given, Jimmy overreacted to simple questions. This is typical everyday behavior for Jimmy. Although it is easy for a parent to take this anger and resentment personally, it is essential to realize that these children often lose comprehension (reasoning) once they have reached their stress-​tolerance level. Therefore, it is important to act with insight. (Proverbs 19:11) In Jimmy’s case, Susan could defuse the situation by backing off and giving her boy time to control himself, and perhaps later they could discuss the day’s events.

Stressed-​Out Kids

Never before has the family of man been confronted with such enormous problems, pressures, and anxieties as those that afflict the modern world. Times are different, the demands are more intense, and more is required of children. Concerning this issue, the book Good Kids, Bad Behavior relates: “Many of the problems which children seem to be experiencing may be either caused or influenced by changing social expectations.” For ADD/​ADHD children, school can be a nightmare. As they struggle to cope with their own inadequacies, they are forced to adapt to an explosion of technological advances that rapidly continue to change in an atmosphere that can appear to be both hostile and dangerous, adding to their anxiety. Emotionally, children are too immature to handle all these problems. They need their parents’ help.

Reduce the Friction

In order to have happier, healthier children, it is important to provide an environment of order and stability. An effective plan for reducing friction in the home might begin with a simplified life-​style. Since these children are impulsive, distractible, and overactive, it is necessary to reduce the negative effect of overstimulation. Cut down on the amount of toys that such children are allowed to play with at one time. Attempt only one chore or project at a time until it is completed. Since these children are often disorganized themselves, organization minimizes frustration. The fewer and the more accessible the items that they have to keep up with, the easier it is to manage what is important.

Another effective way of reducing stress in the home is to implement a structured, not rigid, routine, providing children with a sense of stability. The time schedule is not as crucial as the sequence, the order in which events occur. This might be achieved by applying practical suggestions such as the following. Provide proper nutrition with simple well-​balanced meals and snacks at regular times. Make bedtime rituals warm, loving, and relaxing. Shopping trips can overstimulate highly active children, so plan ahead and try not to go to too many stores. And when on an outing, explain what kind of behavior you expect. Definite routines help the child with special needs to control his own impulsive behavior. Furthermore, it helps to establish parental predictability.

Along with a sense of structure, it is beneficial to formulate a system of rules and to include the consequences for breaking nonnegotiable rules. Defined rules that are consistent, as well as agreeable to both mates, set the perimeters of acceptable behavior for children​—and also teach accountability. Post a list of rules in a prominent place, if needed (for the parent to remember, as well as the child). Consistency is the key to emotional security.

Understanding a child’s preferences, his likes and dislikes, and adapting to them can do much to alleviate unnecessary pressure in the home. Because the special nature of these children is often erratic and impulsive, their interacting with other children can be a very difficult experience. Sharing, especially toys, might be a particular point of conflict, so parents might allow such children to choose favorite items that can be shared. Further, regulating their level of stimulation by providing them with a small group of playmates and creating activities that will not overexcite may also help to control their low sensory threshold.

It is important for parents to allow each child to grow in his or her own way and to avoid compressing or molding the child to unnecessary conformity. If a child detests a certain food or article of clothing, eliminate it. These little thorns of irritation are simply not worth the conflict. In effect, don’t attempt to control everything. Be balanced, but when decisions are made as to what is acceptable to a Christian family, stick to them.

Behavior Management

Unpredictable children tend to require a higher degree of management. As a result, many parents are plagued with guilt if they have to discipline frequently. It is important to discern, however, the distinction between discipline and abuse. According to the book A Fine Line​—When Discipline Becomes Child Abuse, reportedly 21 percent of all physical abuse occurs when children exhibit aggressive behavior. Hence, research concludes that children who are ADD/​ADHD are at “greater risk of physical abuse and neglect.” Undeniably, raising youngsters who have special needs can be stressful, but their management must be healthy and balanced. Since these children are usually highly intelligent and very creative, they pose a challenge to parents handling situations that require reasoning. Such children often have a way of pointing up the flaws in a parent’s most brilliant logic. Don’t let them! Retain the authority as the parent.

In a friendly way, but firmly, make explanations brief; in other words, don’t overexplain, and do not negotiate nonnegotiable rules. Let your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no. (Compare Matthew 5:37.) Children are not diplomats; consequently, negotiations with them lead to arguments, anger, and frustration and can even escalate into screaming and violence. (Ephesians 4:31) Similarly, avoid warning too much. If discipline is called for, it should be given promptly. The book Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World urges: “Calm, confident, and firm​—that’s what authority is all about.” Further, note the excellent suggestions in The German Tribune: “Always talk to the child in such a way as to hold its attention: use its name often, keep eye-​to-​eye contact and use simple language.”

Abuse occurs when parents lose control. If a parent is screaming, he or she has already lost control. Proverbs chapter 15 addresses the subject of child-​rearing and discipline. For example, Pr 15 verse 4 states: “The calmness of the tongue is a tree of life, but distortion in it means a breaking down in the spirit”; Pr 15 verse 18: “An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling”; and, finally, Pr 15 verse 28: “The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer.” Hence, it is important to recognize not only what we say but how we say it, as well.

Commendation, Not Condemnation

Because hard-​to-​raise children do things that are creative, strange, even maniacal, it’s easy for the parents to give in to faultfinding, ridiculing, berating, and striking out in anger. However, according to Today’s English Version, the Bible at Ephesians 6:4 instructs parents to bring up children with “Christian discipline and instruction.” How did Jesus discipline erring ones? Jesus used instructive discipline that trained and taught people, dealing with them fairly and firmly. Discipline is a process, a method of instruction, that, when dealing with children, usually has to be done over and over again.​—See the article “The Bible’s Viewpoint . . . ‘The Rod of Discipline’​—Is It Out-​of-​Date?,” in the September 8, 1992, Awake!

Proper discipline creates an environment of trust, warmth, and stability; therefore, when discipline is necessary, it should be administered with explanations. There are no instant solutions when training children, since children learn gradually, over time. It takes a lot of caring and loving, a lot of time and work, to raise properly any child, especially a difficult-​to-​raise child. The following little saying may be helpful to remember: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you will do.”

One of the most frustrating aspects of the problem of dealing with children who have worrisome behavior is their inordinate craving for attention. Too often the attention that they receive is negative rather than positive. However, be quick to notice, commend, or reward good behavior or a job well done. This is very encouraging to a child. At first your efforts might seem exaggerated, but they are well worth the results. Children need small but immediate rewards.

A Father’s Experience With Greg

“Our son Greg was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of five, when he was in kindergarten. At that time we saw a developmental pediatrician who confirmed that Greg was definitely ADHD. He told us: ‘It’s not his fault, and it’s not your fault. He can’t help it, but you can.’

“We think of those words often, because they bring home to us that as parents we have a great responsibility to help our son cope with his ADHD. That day the doctor sent us home with literature to read, and we believe the knowledge we have gained in the past three years has been very important in fulfilling our parental responsibilities toward Greg.

“It’s vitally important in raising an ADHD child to reinforce appropriate behavior and to provide warnings and, if necessary, a penalty for misbehavior. The more structured and consistent you can be, the better the results you will see. These simple statements are probably a key factor in raising an ADHD child. Yet, because you need to do it so many times a day, it’s easier said than done.

“A device we have found most effective is the time-​out. Whenever we use time-​outs to change a misbehavior, we also institute a program of reinforcement to encourage more positive behavior. This reinforcer can be a word of approval, a hug, or even a token or privilege. We went to a store and bought a sticker chart. We put at the top what the appropriate behavior is. Each time we see Greg in the appropriate behavior, we give him a sticker to put on his chart. When the chart is full, say 20 stickers, he gets a reward. This is usually something he really enjoys doing, such as going to a park. It’s helpful because it motivates him to do well. He puts the stickers on and can see how he is doing and how close he is to a reward.

“Another tool we have found effective is to give Greg choices. Instead of a direct command, we give a choice. Either he can do the appropriate behavior or he can get the logical consequence. This teaches responsibility and the making of proper decisions. If it’s something that is continually a problem, such as acting up in a store or a restaurant, we can use the sticker chart with a reward. He thus sees benefit in the appropriate behavior, and we show our recognition of his improvements.

“Most people are not aware that ADHD affects the child’s ability to regulate his or her behavior and responses. Many people believe that these children could control their attention span and their behavior if they tried harder, and when they fail, the parents are blamed.

“It is physically impossible for an ADHD child to sit still for two hours in a congregation meeting at the Kingdom Hall. We will never forget how Greg at the mere age of five years old used to cry before every meeting and ask us, ‘Is this a long meeting or a short meeting?’ He would cry very hard when it was a two-​hour meeting because he knew he couldn’t sit still that long. We have to make allowances for the disorder and the limitations it brings. We know that Jehovah understands the disorder better than anyone, and that’s a source of comfort. At this point Greg is not on medication and is at his grade level.

“Making Jehovah our hope and keeping our eyes focused on the new world sustain us. Our hope already means a lot to Greg. He gets really excited, even teary-​eyed, when he thinks of how Jehovah will do away with ADHD in the Paradise earth.”

[Box on page 9]

Possible rewards for good behavior:

1. PRAISE​—verbal commendation for a job well done; expressed appreciation for good behavior, accompanied with love, hugs, and warmth in facial expressions.

2. CHART SYSTEM​—prominently displayed, with attractive stickers or stars to encourage good behavior.

3. LIST OF GOOD THINGS​—of acceptable and praiseworthy accomplishment. Each time the child does something well, no matter how small at first, write it down, and read it to a family member.

4. BEHAVIOR BAROMETER​—depending on the age of the child, adding beans or jelly beans to a jar when the child does something well (tangible reinforcement). The object is to establish a point system for granting a reward that might include something that the family was going to do anyway, such as going to a movie, skating, or eating at a restaurant. Rather than stressing to the child: “If you don’t behave, we won’t go,” try: “If you do behave, we will go.” The key is to change negative thinking into positive thinking, while allowing a reasonable time for change to take place.

[Picture on page 7]

Conversations can sometimes flare up emotionally

[Picture on page 8]

When decisions are made, explain them, and stick with them

[Picture on page 10]

He proudly adds a new sticker to his chart