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What Are Some of the Problems?

Grandparents, parents, and grandchildren​—three generations separated by just a few decades, yet often in spirit by an abyss.

MANY grandparents lived through the frightful experience of the second world war, with all its devastating consequences. Their children were probably young during the time of the protests and the economic boom of the ’60’s. Their grandchildren today live in a world devoid of values. With today’s rapid change in public role models, it is not easy for one generation to impart to the next an appreciation for its own experience. Something is lacking, something to persuade people of different generations to cooperate and respect one another. But what could it be?

Often, well-​intentioned grandparents interfere in the family affairs of their married children, complaining that the parents seem either too strict or too lax with the grandchildren. On the other hand, a Spanish proverb says: “Punishment from grandparents does not make for good grandchildren”​—since grandparents tend to be indulgent. Perhaps they intervene because they would like their children to avoid certain errors that, thanks to their own experience, they can see clearly. However, they may be unable to reappraise and interpret the changing relationships with their married children in a balanced way. The children, who with marriage have obtained long-​yearned-​for independence, are not prepared to tolerate interference. Now that they work to support the family, they cannot accept infringements on their right to make their own decisions. The grandchildren, who may think they already know it all, resent rules and regulations and perhaps consider their grandparents to be out of touch. In modern society, grandparents seem to have lost their appeal. Their experience is very often ignored.

When Conversation Ceases

At times an impenetrable wall of lack of mutual understanding isolates the grandparents from the rest of the family even when they live with their children. Unfortunately, this occurs at precisely the time when, because the years begin to weigh heavily, the grandparents have even greater need for affection. A person does not have to be alone to feel alone. When conversation ceases, when respect and affection are replaced by condescension or irritation, the results are complete alienation and deep disappointment on the part of the grandparents. They hurt in their innermost feelings. Educator Giacomo Dacquino writes: “Love in the family, which someone recently likened to an old, superseded model, is still the best geriatric medicine. An understanding facial expression, a kind smile, a good word, or a caress helps more than many medicines.”​—Libertà di invecchiare (Freedom to Grow Old).

Your Example Can Make a Difference

The tension that results from deteriorating family relations also causes continual complaints of one generation against the other. One member of the family may feel that whatever another does is wrong. But the ill effects are felt by all. The children observe how their parents treat the grandparents and, in turn, how their grandparents react. Though the older ones, for the most part, may suffer in silence, the grandchildren hear, see, and remember. Thus their own future patterns of behavior are influenced. As adults, they may well treat their parents much as these treated the grandparents. There is no getting away from the Bible principle: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.”​—Galatians 6:7.

If grandchildren see the parents treating the grandparents in a condescending way​—making fun of them, rudely silencing them, or even exploiting them—​this is the way they, in turn, may act toward their parents when they get older. It is not enough to keep the grandparents’ framed photo on the sideboard​—they have to be respected and loved as persons. In due course, the same treatment may be meted out by the grandchildren. It is said that the phenomenon of mistreated grandparents is becoming more and more widespread. In some European countries, telephone distress lines have been set up for intervention in behalf of mistreated elderly people, similar to those already operational for the protection of children.

Selfishness, pride, and lack of love feed and aggravate lack of understanding. Thus, the number of those who try to rid themselves of grandparents by placing them in rest homes is on the increase. Some spare no expense to free themselves of the problem of caring for the elderly, entrusting them either to specialized centers equipped with all the latest technology or to retirement villages like those in Florida or California, U.S.A., served by an abundance of supermarkets and entertainments but still lacking the smile and caress of loved ones and the embrace of grandchildren. Particularly during vacation times, many look for a place to “park” grandma and grandpa. In India the situation can sometimes be even worse when some grandparents are just abandoned and left to fend for themselves.

Difficulties in keeping close family relationships are aggravated by divorce. Only 1 British family out of 4 has both parents still living in the household. Divorce is on the increase worldwide. In the United States, there are over a million divorces each year. Grandparents thus unexpectedly find themselves face-​to-​face with their children’s marriage crises and consequent drastic changes in relationships with their grandchildren. To the embarrassment of dealing with an ex-​son-​in-​law or an ex-​daughter-​in-​law is added the problem “of the sudden arrival of ‘acquired’ grandchildren” if, as reported by Italian newspaper Corriere Salute, “their son or daughter’s new partner should have children from a previous marriage.”

“A Spark to Our Lives”

Yet, a warm, affectionate relationship with one’s grandparents, whether they are living with the rest of the family or not, is of great benefit to all. “Doing something for our children and grandchildren,” says Ryoko, a grandmother from Fukui, Japan, “is enough to give a spark to our lives.” According to the results of research published by Corriere Salute, a group of U.S. experts is reported to have said: “When grandparents and grandchildren have the good fortune to enjoy an intense and affectionate relationship, the benefit is great not only to the children but also to the whole family.”

What can be done, then, to overcome personal differences, generation gaps, and innate tendencies toward selfishness that exert such a negative influence on family relationships? This subject will be considered in the next article.

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“The awful thing about getting old is not being listened to.”​—Albert Camus, French novelist