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Young People Ask . . .

Why Is Everyone Getting Married but Me?

“I wish I were getting married. Then I’d be happy.”​—Cheryl.a

IT IS only natural to want to be married. God endowed man and woman with a natural attraction between the sexes. And he established marriage as a permanent union between a man and a woman.​—Genesis 1:27, 28; 2:21-24.

Understandably, then, you may feel somewhat discouraged or even left out if you are not yet married​—especially if many of your peers have already entered into matrimony. Well-​meaning friends can add to the pressure. “I am 24 years old and single, and I am not currently dating anyone,” says Tina. “It seems that everyone else is so concerned that I’m not married that I’m getting a complex about it. They make me feel like an old maid or like there is something wrong with me.”

For some persons singleness can begin to seem like a wall, an insurmountable barrier, that separates them from happiness. With each passing year, it may feel as if another course of bricks is being laid on top of that wall. A youth can start feeling that he or she must be unattractive or undesirable. Says a young woman in Italy named Rosanna: “Often I feel alone and useless; it seems that I have no chances of getting married.” Young men can have similar feelings. Frank, for example, began to feel that all his friends became more interesting and sophisticated after they got married. He began to wonder if marriage might do the same for him.

Do you find yourself thinking along similar lines? If you are single, do you sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with you or if you may be forever doomed to a life of singleness?

Marriage​—Myth Versus Fact

First of all, let’s examine the popular belief that marriage automatically opens the door to happiness. It is true that marriage can and often does contribute to one’s happiness. However, simply being married does not make one happy. Even the best of marriages bring some degree of ‘tribulation in the flesh.’ (1 Corinthians 7:28) Marital happiness comes about only through continual self-​sacrifice and hard work. Interestingly, the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ, was single. Would anyone call him unhappy? Hardly! His joy came from doing Jehovah’s will.​—John 4:34.

Another myth is that marriage is a guaranteed cure for loneliness. It is not! Lamented one married Christian man: “My wife has never confided in me or had a meaningful talk with me, ever!” Some Christian wives have similarly complained that their husbands fail to communicate or that they seem more interested in their jobs or friends than in them. Sad to say, being married but lonely is all too common.

Then there are those who see marriage as an escape from family problems. Says one young married woman: “I think my parents should have given me a chance to grow up. But they didn’t allow me to have a boyfriend or to go out . . . If my parents had given me a chance, I think I wouldn’t have gotten married at 16. But I wanted to show them.”

You may feel that life at home is too restrictive. But marriage brings responsibilities that can greatly limit one’s personal freedom. Think of what is involved in holding a job, paying bills, doing home and auto repairs, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, and perhaps even raising children! (Proverbs 31:10-31; Ephesians 6:4; 1 Timothy 5:8) Many youths are shell-​shocked when faced with these grown-​up responsibilities.

Some also believe that marriage is the key to popularity. But there is no guarantee that others will crave your company​—or that of your mate—​simply because you are married. People will like you if you are kind, generous, and unselfish, whether you are married or single. (Proverbs 11:25) And even if being a couple makes it a little easier to fit in with married friends, a husband and wife must remember that they are “one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) Their main concern must be how they get along with each other​—not with their friends.

Ready for Marriage?

Of course, even if you see the reasonableness of these points, you may still feel discouraged at times. An ancient proverb put it this way: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” (Proverbs 13:12) Young Tony, for example, found himself in a state of near desperation because he was single. He began to feel that he was ready to marry anybody. A young girl named Sandra likewise became discouraged every time she learned about a budding romance; she would wonder when her turn was going to come.

Before you allow yourself to fall into a pit of gloom, ask yourself, ‘Am I really ready for marriage?’ Frankly, if you are a teenager, the answer may well be an emphatic no! In the United States, most teen marriages fail within five years.b Of course, some youths may be exceptionally mature for their age and be able to make a success of marriage. But that does not necessarily mean that you should marry. Have you honestly considered whether you are prepared to take on the responsibilities of marriage?

An honest self-​examination may prove quite revealing. For example, how mature and responsible are you? Are you able to save money, or do you spend it as soon as you get it? Do you pay your bills on time? Are you capable of holding a job or of managing a household? Do you get along well with others, such as with workmates and parents, or are you in constant conflict with them? If so, you may find that getting along with a marriage mate will be very difficult.

If you are still a teenager, you may well discover that you need a few more years of experience in order to attain the maturity and stability needed to make a good husband or a good wife. Realizing this fact may help you readjust your expectations and view marriage as a future possibility. This may help you to be more ‘settled in heart’ about your single state, at least for the time being.​—1 Corinthians 7:37.

Proper Preparation

What, though, if you believe you are past “the bloom of youth” and feel you are ready to get married? It can be discouraging if potential marriage mates are few or if you are rejected every time you express interest in someone. But does this necessarily mean you are undesirable? Not at all. King Solomon got absolutely nowhere with a young girl with whom he had fallen in love​—and he was one of the wealthiest, wisest men who ever lived! The problem? The girl’s heart was simply not inclined toward having romantic feelings for him. (Song of Solomon 2:7) Similarly, it may be that you have not yet met someone with whom you are truly compatible.

Do you feel that you are simply too plain looking to attract someone? True, good looks have their advantages, but they are not everything. When you think of the married couples you know, isn’t it true that among them are people of all heights, shapes, and degrees of attractiveness? Besides, someone who is truly God-​fearing will primarily be concerned with what you are like in “the secret person of the heart.”​—1 Peter 3:4.

Of course, you should by no means ignore your physical appearance; it is only reasonable to try to look your best. Slovenly dress and grooming can give others the wrong impression of you.c Also, poor conversation skills or flaws in your personality may turn others off before they get to know you. A mature friend or a parent can tell you if a few adjustments in these areas are in order. The truth may be painful, but accepting it can perhaps help you to make adjustments and thus be more appealing to others.​—Proverbs 27:6.

In the final analysis, however, your worth, or value, as a person is not determined by whether or not you are married. What really counts is how God views you, and he “sees what the heart is.” (1 Samuel 16:7) The focus of your concern should therefore be on gaining Jehovah’s approval and not on getting married. Try not to let the latter dominate your thoughts and conversation. Carefully monitor your associations, choice of music, and entertainment.

True, the desire to be married may not go away, but don’t panic. Exercise patience. (Ecclesiastes 7:8) Instead of viewing your singleness as a curse, take full advantage of the freedom singleness offers and the opportunities it presents to serve God without distraction. (1 Corinthians 7:33-35, 38) Marriage may come along for you in due time​—perhaps even sooner than you think.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 26]

It’s easy to feel left out when one’s peers are getting married